~Delicate-Terror

Ok, time for a random rant JUST because i feel like it. I haven't been doing any art lately because quite frankly i am feeling totally uninspired these days. I have no intense emotions toward anything at this point, and i find that hard to cope with in itself. When you really think about it, all that makes you human is your emotions. Without them you're just another beast. I also aven't been on dA so much to post journals and all. I got sucked into the whole myspace deal so of course that has becaome my life. Pathetic, i know, i'm working on getting a job asap, but so far nothing is happening with that. Nothing is happening with anything to be honest. life is just at a stand still. I don't know when i am going to get to transfer to UCSD and I don't have anyone really as support or to do things with in the meantime. I have been getting back with friends from early highschool lately, and i am actually greatly enjoying them. They took me out for my birthday (yeah i'm finally legal and bummed as hell about it) dancing all night at margarita rocks. I really missed my boys, i gotta say. I had somehow forgotten what a teddy and a brother figure Doug is. I really truly love that kid. I am so excited that we are getting to spend time together again. It comes at a wonderful time, because until they came back into my life, i had no friends and i have been spinning my wheels in a ridiculous non relationship for 4 months waiting for something to happen that just doesn't seem to want to. Since my birthday things have been better than they were, in a way. i have more to do and more people to talk to. After my birthday I got my long-awaited tattoo on that weekend. it hurt so bad but it was sooo worth it. It's so sexy and i gotta say, i didn't cry and i hardly flinched, so i rock out loud. I also went out clubbing till 2 am last night with my guys. That was so so so awesome. However, it has presented somewhat of a problem. After a long and arduous roller coaster of a history with one of my boys, we had gotten over our romantic feelings long ago....or so i had thought and hoped. Unfortunately when Brett and I go dancing and go hang out it has all managed to creep back into me. Indeed despite my greatest efforts to fight it he posesses my feelings yet AGAIN. Things are a little different this time but not really. It's the sheer confidence of him that gets me every time i think. I wish so much that i could be like that. We are very alike in a lot of ways, but he just has infinately more confidence than i could hope to have. He carries himself in such a way that he just doesn't seem to care how people feel about him, or that he's incredibly desired, nor what peoples' opinions of him may be. It is the infallible charisma that becomes his rise and his downfall. People encircle him. He is loved and admired. guys want to be him and girls want to be WITH him, the problem being he gets with ALL of them. I have a problem degrading myself. That is the bottom line. I respect myself and refuse to lower my worth for someone else. I will not be a girl on a list of many. I know that because of our history and our friendship that it would be more than that if anything did happen....but only SLIGHTLY more, if that. Because of his nature he is so unpredictable. His outward way has nearly nothing to do with his inner goings on. He has one of the most severe cases of heightened persona i have ever seen. I pride myself that i am one of few people who can see through it, but somehow i doubt that is enough to win his heart. Just because i know he likes me doesn't mean he will behave that way or even ever admit it, for that matter. He is in a downward spiral (forgive the NIN reference, it's late) of drugs and liquor and girls and crap to hide emotions that have been very repressed until recently, so it's hard to tell if helping him is over my head. I certainly can't do much if he won't accept my help, which doesn't seem will happen. Furthering the problem, I don't really know what i want anymore. I say i don't want any relationships (my last one was such bullshit i have a hard time feeling mentally and emotionally prepared for another one, even after almost a year has passed) but i'm not so sure that's true anymore. I suppose i don't want a relationship unless i DO want one. Lol, i know, the word duh is coming into your mind at this very second. What i am meaning to say i suppose is that I am afraid to invest my time and my feelings into an endeavor that can only hurt me. I half a self-destroying nature that time and time again fools me into falling for guys that are totally wrong for me, that are emotionally unavailable, that will not appreciate or respect me, and/or those i do not respect as much as i should. My biggest fear is ending up in a marriage like my parents' marriage. I thought i would never let that happen, but considering my last relationship was pretty much a mirror image of their marriage, i'm scared shitless now. I want something deep and meaningful, but i am afraid to have that. I am also afraid that because i am vulnerable and lonely right now that perhaps i am subconsciously searching for someone, and talking myself into people who will not work with me for a relationship, or anything else for that matter. So as I say i don't want a relationship, i am probably just kidding myself. If i want emotion i suppose i have to have a relationship. My efforts to prove otherwise have failed MISERABLY recently. I would really love to have someone just to have them. Just to be held and to hold, and to share depth of existence. That is all, i suppose. I have come to the painful conclusion that i spend FAR too much time by myself, in my room. I am going to make a very concentrated effort from now on to just stay out for a while. I have a car. I have a NICE car, so why the hell am i not out in it instead of on my computer? Until i get a job and can actually spend the majority of my time out of my house, i need to take care of myself in a little better way. I am a brooder, and brooders SUCK. I need to make a super extra concentrated effort not to become more of a nihilistic misanthropic bastard tahn i already am. I can't STAND that in the kid I'm dating - I can't BELIEVE i was ever that bad, even though i know i was. There is just so much i need to do for myself, but change is such a difficult and scary thing to try and accomplish. As people we have such a comfort zone in our ways, no matter how unhealthy or illogical. When one actually sits back and thinks about the way he treats himself, it's not actually appropriate at all. I am more guilty of this than a lot of people. We convince ourselves we need others to be complete, that we have some void we hope to fill with friends and lovers, till ultimately we find one person to settle with (hopefully). but in reality we should be learning to be complete in ourselves. How can one possibly hope to fully love someone else if he doesn't love himself? Love as we think of it is so superficial. Finding someone that makes us happy, that makes us want no one else, that makes us feel good and rescues us from life - it is so false, and so sad. In reality one can't hope for any of those things from another person. You have to hope for them from yourself. There is so much more to say but i am just too emotionally exhausted to keep this up. The reality that i have to get up for class in 5 hours is humbling, and it would be very nice if i was actually physically tired like i am emotionally tired. Sleep is such a blessed reprieve.